it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
