Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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