sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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