she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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