TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
