well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's never too late to be topless.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
