Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
