every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
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