When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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