so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
