Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
