I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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