Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
