Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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