I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
