He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
