yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
bring money and cleavage
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
