I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
