Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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