an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
