Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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