Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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