I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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