my vag is so smooth its legendary
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
