i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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