Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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