After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
