my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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