I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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