Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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