He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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