Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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