if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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