btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
