I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
false alarm, still single
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
