I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
