2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize