I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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