My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
