I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
