Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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