I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
