My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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