I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
