I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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