Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
