I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
