I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
