Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
