Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We just shotgunned beers for America
So squirting runs in the family.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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