I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
