Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i drank out of a bidet.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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