U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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