Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
