she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
