If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
