Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
