My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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